Short-Story: Lessons for the Lockdown

Well, it appears we are going to be at home for a while. What a great opportunity to give out some advice on the Corona-topic. I might tell you right now that this in no way reflects science or the official health-advice. It’s pure nonsense to distract you. Which is not working since I am talking about the topic I was supposed to distract you from. Shit. It’s like saying: „Hey Tom, forget about Emma, let’s talk about something else, like how great the guy looks Emma is currently dating.“

What I was trying to say is: there is a lot of misinformation going around. Like how you can do things to immunize you against the virus. Drink alcohol, eat garlic, snort cocaine and excessive masturbation. To me, that’s a Wednesday. Oh shit, tomorrow is Wednesday. Better go get and score some garlic real quick.

By the way: Way to go France declaring war on the Corona-virus. If history has taught us anything, France being at war with it pretty much seals our collective faith. Maybe that’s just the Belgian speaking.

I will tell you five things to do in this crisis-situation, and all of it is as ineffective as it is really dumb:

  1. Your phone, you should wash it, but not like that. Yeah that thing is a multi functional petri-dish at the best of times, but don’t just put into soapy water. That would be stupid. Put it into the dishwasher, that way you’ll charge it at the same time. For legal reasons (murica) I have to say that this will not work.
  2. Get as much off your bucket-list as you can: Better safe than sorry. Imagine it’s the apocalypse and you are the guy who did not tell off his former bully. That would just be terrible. So, dear Figo, I would just like to say: Many people never saw me and ignored me. But you saw me, didn’t you? You didn’t care to learn my name and still found a way to make me feel shit. And I was looking forward to you calling me the name of my football-shirt, ‘cause I felt like I wasn’t invisible to the cool kids. I didn’t learn anything from knowing you and it has caused me nothing but pain. So, one day I hope you’ll learn my name and I get to tell you to say and say: You’re goddamn right. (How good was Breaking Bad?!) Until then: Thank you, fuck you, bye!
  3. Don’t panic. That’s easier said then done but when you and your buddies run into the next supermarket to buy all of the toilet-paper, you’re not so much the knights saving your families as you are the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
  4. Use the time to read or listen to audiobooks or podcasts. Brighten your horizon, because when this thing is over and you’ll have the big survival party on which rather ironically many of you will contract an STD, you need some good smalltalk. Unless you’re not invited. Or dead.
  5. Tell the people you like that you like them. But be sensible, don’t throw a hail mary by running over to your ex-girlfriends house in a desperate attempt to win her back just in case the world is ending and you don’t want to be alone, ‘cause her new boyfriend, who is a very tough dude, will not appreciate that in the slightest and while you might think saying that you have Corona will get you out of being punched, it will not.

Well, wasn’t that pointless. I hope my advice does whatever you hope it does for you, except for helping, because it is clearly not meant to be actually helpful in any way.

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