I often wonder what I would say to 16-year-old me if I ever got a time-machine. What genius advice I would give to myself in order to avoid the mistakes I have made. Then, of course, I wonder how that would mess with the timelines and if there was a risk of obliterating the entire reality of the timeline in which I got to use the time-machine. Anyway, the conversation, as it plays out it my mind, goes a little something like this:
Me@16: Who the hell are you?
Me@26: I’m you, from the year 2020.
Me@26: Yeah, it’s pretty impressive, I mean –
Me@16: – no I mean your – my hairline has receded incredibly. Are we going bald?
Me@26: That’s not the point. I literally time-travelled here and THAT is what you have to say?
Me@16: It’s just so overwhelming…
Me@26: Well, it’s spooky to see yourse- are you still talking about the hairline?
Me@16: I mean your face is like 50% forehead.
Me@26: Are you done? I have actually come here to tell you a few things about the future.
Me@16: Okay, like what? Did we become an actor, or a comedian like we planned?
Me@26: Well, kind of. We’re working in politics now.
Me@16: What? But what about LA? What about going on the road?
Me@26: America isn’t the place to be right now, so.
Me@16: Why not? Wait… 2020. So Obama’s no longer president. Oh God, is Joe Biden the president now?
Me@26: He’s running. But, how do I put this…
Me@16: There’s a Republican President? Do I know him? Or her? Is it a woman?
Me@16: Why are you crying? What the hell is going on in 2020?
Me@26: Oh yeah, that’s right, our depressions won’t start for another year. So here’s the deal: Donald Trump became president of the United States.
Me@26: Why are you laughing?
Me@16: Because that’s a joke. Right? Like Paris Hilton became the President. Haha, funny joke, I’m sure whoever is President is terrible at it, so who is it?
Me@16: Oh my God.
Me@26: He’s dead now.
Me@26: No, God. God is definitely dead. Or has fallen asleep on the job.
Me@16: Surely Trump cannot be that terrible. What’s the worst that can happen? Like a banking crisis?
Me@26: That’s coming, for sure. Right now there’s just a worldwide pandemic, a large portion of people is no longer believing news and therefore trusts idiots on the internet resulting in reality as we know it to become a matter of opinion, global warming is still going strong but is now called climate change, a string of dictators is taking power, Britain left the EU and fucked itself in doing so, there are mass protests and riots against racism in the US, North Korea has nuclear bombs and Belgium is still still Belgium.
Me@16: Those must have been ten hard years.
Me@26: Technically, that was just 2020.
Me@26: And there’s the crying.
Me@16: Why the fuck are you telling me this?
Me@26: So you stop thinking about what you might eventually want to accomplish and just do it. Time is precious, don’t waste it. Not everyone gets to use a time machine.
Me@16: I promise I will be better.
Me@26: Unfortunately, that won’t be enough.
Me@16: What are you doing? Why are you holding a gun?
Me@26: Easy, I didn’t come here to warn you. I didn’t come here to fix something I have already done. I came here to do something I’m still planning to do.
Me@16: Like getting a hair-transplant?
Me@26: Okay, that’s it. I’m out.